Living with someone who has a mental illness can be exhausting, especially if you are inexperienced. And let’s face it, most of us have no idea what to do in these situations.

Sure there are books and resources and people that you can talk to but every situation is different. While you may know how to react in some instances, there are others that are unique and unpredictable.

Over the years I have learned the triggers that cause my spouse more pain. My initial reaction, not understanding what I was dealing with, was to try to ask her what was wrong. This, I quickly learned, was the wrong way to approach it.

Understanding the Illness

When I sat alongside her on the couch in her therapist’s office and he explained to me what she was thinking I began to change my methods. Instead of what’s wrong, I now immediately say, can I help. When I know she is suffering I give her a chance to tell me how she is feeling.

I no longer get angry or confused by her behavior. I have spent time studying her condition, combing over books and articles, and talking to the professionals. When she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I questioned the doctor extensively and come up with my own ideas. She was never manic but would cycle from anxious to depressed. Later we would learn that it was borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar but my behavior towards her remained the same.

The first few years were an adjustment from what I was used to. My family never had these issues. My mom was always known as a ‘Pollyanna.’ My home life was stable. My family was the closest to what you see on 50s television programs than what you see currently.

What Not to Ask

My lack of understanding caused me to challenge my spouse. What is wrong with you? Why do you feel this way? What have I done to deserve your behavior? We have such a great life now, why are you ruining it by feeling depressed? I just don’t get it.

What I soon learned was that this had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to do with what was happening around us. It was not because our life was not so perfect.

When things got really rough, after my wife’s miscarriage, I tried everything to fix it. I changed our lives, moved to a new state closer to my family, and became a caregiver. These decisions were based on my wants and not what she needed. They were mistakes and like everything we learn from our mistakes.

Even though I was closer to my family, I was alone with a two-year-old. My wife was in and out of the hospital and severely depressed. I became angry. Why did I love this woman? Why did she do this to me? To my daughter? Why can’t she just snap out of it?

A Turning Point

It was Thanksgiving in 2008, nearly broke both mentally and financially, that I realized I could not continue living this way. I made several transformations that year. I became more in tune with my own mental health and well being and began taking care of myself. I also became more empathic and understanding.

My life was a mess. I was barely able to hold it together but I started to focus. I lost weight. I ate healthier. I read more books and paid more attention to how my wife was feeling. I started coaching a high school lacrosse team. All of these helped shape who I became.

Where previously I was confident to the point of arrogance, I learned humility. When I would have reacted in anger to a decision at work, I learned patience. I also learned to recognize what others were feeling. I listened when I would normally be talking. I learned what I needed to do to become an effective leader.

I write on this blog about how I changed my life over the past few years. I more than doubled my salary. I learned how to tackle the challenges and overcome them by practicing what I learned in caring for my wife.

Becoming a Leader

I recognize when my employees are suffering or stressed. I listen to them when they talk to me about what is troubling them and help come up with a solution. A few months into my current job an employee came to me having some work-related issues. When I started talking to him and asking him the right questions what was revealed was a lot more personal.

People often are amazed I am so open with the fact that I see a therapist. Many people may see this as a sign of weakness. I see this as a sign of strength. Brene Brown in her book Dare to Lead talks about being vulnerable is a strength for leadership. In my experience, my vulnerabilities have led to some of the most successful teams in my industry.

In my previous employment, I went from five employees to ten in a matter of two years. I restructured the organization to focus on increasing technology use and building out an extremely cohesive team.

My current team is continuously being recognized throughout the organization for the amazing work that they do. My boss credits me. I credit my team. I just put the pieces of the puzzle in place, they do all of the amazing work.

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

My true credit is learning how to care for someone with a mental illness. As a man, we always want to fix things. We work through the pain of an injury. We try to overcome an illness by exerting ourselves. We attempt to talk our way out of a situation when many times we just need to listen.

Being vulnerable and empathic has taught me to ask the right questions. What can I do to help? What do you need from me that will remedy this situation? How do you feel about this decision?

I have also learned to recognize when my employees are stressed or feeling overwhelmed or there are other more personal issues bothering them. This pandemic has taken a toll on many of us. My current employer has us working from home until May. We are each dealing with unique situations at home, elderly parents, children, pets, and a deadly disease.

The Power of Positivity

Knowing how to remain positive and keep the team positive has helped us through some trying times. We still continue to be recognized both inside and outside of our organization. Even when two employees left, we have remained positive.

Life will always challenge you. It is how you react and overcome these challenges that will either cause you to fail or become great. And even in failure, you should always be looking at how to improve. I have been in some of the worst situations that anyone has to deal with and eventually found the positive.

I use these situations to help teach others how to lead. I am grateful for my experience and appreciate what I have learned along the way. The biggest challenge for me was to let go of my ego, be more vulnerable, and listen to what people are saying. You can accomplish quite a bit from learning these skills.